stuff that happened in the 2022/2023 football season that should send us into a coma but we’re too desensitized:
1. the whole ass world cup in the middle of the season. what was that
2. manchester united sacking ronaldo and announcing a sale of the club in the middle of the world cup
3. ronaldo getting dropped at the world cup and his replacement scoring a hattrick immediately after
4. keeping up with the belgians (world cup edition)
5. keeping up with the belgians (courtois saying he doesn’t respect kdb after stealing his missus)
6. ronaldo stans beefing with a little moroccan girl
7. the kingdom of saudi arabia buying newcastle united and then telling the premier league that they didn’t and the premier league going “oh okay if you say so”
8. megan thee stallion being romelu lukaku’s date to lautaro martinez’s wedding
9. pique cheating on shakira and then shakira releasing a diss track about it
10. shakira figuring out pique cheated on her because someone ate her strawberry jam and pique doesn’t eat strawberry jam
11. apparently the girl pique cheated on shakira with (clara) cheating on pique with pep
12. wagatha christie libel case
13. real madrid dropping a video accusing barcelona of fascism and the government of cataluyna getting involved
14. the pope coming out as a manchester united fan
15. the one napoli fan that basically made zielinski strip on the pitch
16. mount vesuvius park shutting down because napoli fans wanted to fake an eruption as a celebration
17. frank lampard taking everton into a relegation battle, getting sacked, and then taking chelsea into a relegation battle
18. on that note: chelsea were in a relegation scrap and finished 12th
19. mourinho lost his first ever european final to sevilla europa league black magic
20. whatever the fuck borussia dortmund did on the last day of the bundesliga season
21. anthony martial’s ex wife chasing his first wife down a french motorway with a baby in the passenger seat
22. psg suspending messi because he took an unsanctioned trip to saudi arabia and then unsuspending him two days later because they didn’t want people talking about geopolitics
23. the absolutely bizarre messi apology video released by psg
24. spurs refunding their fans’ tickets after being embarrassing
25. pep’s heartbreak over the fact julia roberts is a manchester united fan
26. chelsea scored one goal in the month of april
27. chelsea and spurs had six managers between them and won one match combined between march and april
28. mourinho fighting anthony taylor after the europa league final
29. milan derby in the ucl for the first time since 2005
30. luis enrique saying he’s cool with the spanish players having sex during the world cup as long as they’re not having orgies
31. luis enrique saying he doesn’t have sex anymore unless his wife wants to
32. man city charged with 115 counts of financial doping and trying to get the barrister in charge disqualified because he’s an arsenal fan
33. mourinho wire-taping himself to catch referees being corrupt
34. ryan reynolds and mac from it’s always sunny in philadelphia buying a football club and that football club getting promoted
35. pele died rip
36. women football awards sponsored by shein and klarna having a category for “male football ally of the year” and it’s just random men that went to one (1) women’s game
37. barcelona negreia case (how do you say calciopoli in catalan?)
38. infantino saying he feels gay, african, like a migrant worker, disabled, arab, and qatari
39. infantino saying he was oppressed as a child because he was ginger and italy is not safe for gingers
40. david alaba’s father in law getting arrested for being one the leaders of a far right group plotting to overthrow the german government
41. richarlison being tumblr’s it girl for a month and then not scoring a goal for the next four
42. juventus being in the middle of another corruption scandal and being docked points because of it
43. two teams getting investigated by the british government for playing football the weekend the queen died
44. gavi getting a yellow card in the first minute of a football match
45. pogba’s brother was arrested by french authorities for being part of a group-organized extortion attempt against pogba
46. richarlison getting a tattoo of neymar’s face and neymar paying him 30k to get it removed
47. iker casillas coming out, puyol implying they had a thing, and both of them retracting it in the most misha collins way possible.
48. sane and mane fight
49. zlatan retired from football
50. barca withholding about 50 million in wages from their players and somehow frenkie still didn’t want to join manchester united
instagram post: *video of a woman gently encouraging a hesitant child to go down a slide*
the first comment: this woman is violently pressuring her child to do something that they are clearly terrified to do, children should NEVER have to do anything they don’t want to do, this kid is being abused and will grow up to hate their mother i hope someone calls cps on her
the second comment: kids are so thin skinned these days if it were my kid i would push it down the slide and laugh at it if it cried. this is the only way we will win the culture war
the third comment: she should have used a condom. this would make a great condom ad. no one cares that someone came in you. kids are not human. i hate kids so much.
the fourth comment: DM ME “”“HELP”“” 🤝💪😤 I AM PAYING OFF DEBT OF FIRST 5 🎉 TO DM 💯💯💵💵 DON’T MISS THIS OPPORTUNITY 😍
[ID: a Mastodon post by Ethan Schoonover, made January 20, 2023 at 06:30.
“The cat just went over to the HomePod mini on my desk, meowed at it, and Siri said “sure here is some music for you” and the cat perched on the window sill listening to Garbage and Elliott Smith. I just want to know how long this has been going on.”
Below the text is a picture of a tabby cat perched on the window sill, looking outside, with the HomePod on the desk behind it. /end ID]
